my mind- a whirlpool of thoughts
my feelings- just caught in the vortex
every time i close my eyes, it feels like I’ll drown
and so i open my eyes gasping for breath
but even with straining eyes there comes nothing within sight
except haze, mist, smoke and fog
i can’t focus on one thing
so i stay focused on not staying focused
is it sadness?
is it fatigue?
is it imagined?
is it real?
is it me?
Or is it null?
i want to change; not myself but my situation
i want to feel better
but then why do i feel so comfortable this way?
i feel this is where i’m truly meant to be
i feel this is what i am
but then why do i feel i can be so much more?
it is all chaos
one wave after the other
crashes on the shore of my mind
emanating from the depths of my soul
washing away what i began writing on the sand
making me sink deeper into it
and as i bend to write again
there comes another one
different from the previous one and possibly the next one
they keep coming
each new but the feeling is the same
after all the water is all the same
different sound for each wave
but the rhythm is the same
it’s not refreshing
it pricks my skin
my chapped lips hurt
i want to sleep
and not get up again
i don’t think about wanting to die
it’s just that
i can’t lie about wanting to live
i’m not hope-less
i’m just tired
i’m not giving up
it’s not that i don’t find
reasons enough to make me live
it’s just that i don’t find
reasons exciting enough to make me look forward to living
i don’t want to escape
i want to get through this
i know i will
but i hope it’s not too late
i don’t like to see the straight line my lips form
i don’t like to see the tired eyes in my reflection
why do i only see that one thing
which others can’t see in them?
why does folding my legs seem such a task
after i’ve been sitting straight a long time
that my lips let out a heavy sigh?
why does moving my fingers tempt me
to think about ways i can avoid the task?
why does the act of cleaning my messy table repulse me so much
that i prefer to clean my mind first even
though the former is visibly easier?
i don’t know when i should stop
is it when my eyelids beg me
to let them blanket their lover
so they do not have to strain
figuring out the meaning of this chaos?
or is it when the black of these alphabets
seems darker than what lies within me
which caused these alphabets to be laid such..?